Having left

im not sure when it was i had left. she was always around. her voice constantly ringing the walls. walls which were closer and taller everyday. i guess one day those walls got to a point where they were unbearable. i wanted to climb out. i never knew what it meant, the constant presence. that feeling of a person who seems to be attached to you. a feeling like a jacket you can't take off. i guess that's why one day i had to open a door and walk out.

now i see. feeling the loss of not having your shadow. like a hollowness that cannot be replaced. you start to walk like only one leg is working. and one eye closed. a dimness that doesn't seem to go away. i can't shake the feeling as if you are weaved into me now. and im constantly checking to make sure you're not fading away. my needle ready just in case. im not sure when it was you had left.

The neighbor across from us has 2 planters with 6 fake red and pink begonias. Red - Hot Pink - Red / Red - Pink with Light Pink border - Red. My mom clued us in they're plastic when she visited last winter. The man who doesn't tend to these impostors seems nice. He lives alone, travels a lot. Our balconies are within hearing distance (if you raise your voice), yet we don't make eye contact, we never speak. On rare occasions a big storm skews one of them out of place. This visual relief doesn't last. The man always straightens them into place. The flowers never change.

This is why it will end:

• We sit on the couch. I'm trying not to weep at a heart breaking scene. You laugh because the cartoon character has square fingers.
• We sit on the couch. The wild child is dying alone in the wild, after possibly eating some poisoned roots. I'm working on the computer, silently crying. You say "This is a really well done movie".
  
• I often feel like we will never have sex again. There is no pull, only push.
  
• On rare occasions I will laugh with you - if I'm drunk.
• My childhood dream of getting married and living happily ever after is an infinity away from this new reality I'm crawling through.
• You are part of a society of robots and I am angry you asked me to move to this horrible country.
  
• The new relationship charm is wearing off. I'm drowning. You are incapable of saving me.
• I want us both to be happy. I don't see how we could possibly achieve this together.
  

there's a reason why i like bruce springsteen

http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=131272103&m=131272143

and this is it. he's never not who he is. not sure how quite to put that. but it's not that he's self conscious and therefore tries hard. the bluecollar guy can't help it. and in this, he is mostly just the words tumbling out.

i would like to know where my own intensity can be minus the intellectualization. i find it fastidious for myself. the simplicity of our own reasoning. to not get caught in our own words.

to not stare at my own thoughts.

I wonder about how our end would be
About who we would see
Who we would say
How we could

I see the lines and I wonder if my turn would come at all
And if I should let it
Sometimes I wish to see the sunlight blushing in my eyes
And if I could turn the same way
I wish that it were possible

I sometimes wish that it weren't
The silence afforded me by the giants which rise around me is good
I cant take away their presence
Your wish seems disingenuous
Your life not as taut

But I see in your eyes what and where I may have strafed
And I wonder what and where
And if I could have afforded the insecurity

I am not quite sure when this passed
This skip of a step
This step of a leap

My childhood I left sitting, on a broken piece of rock
Long and strong....pulled towards that precipice
And when I felt the inevitability I could resist a while
But the while became an eternity
And my breath became stale

And whence I felt her breath against my cheek
I now feel the ash of the dried disdain
She who wouldn't let me feel alone
She who wouldn't let her own
Im no longer in my own thoughts
As i've always known it's vanity

I close my eyes certainly
And push her ever further
Her in me I peel and thrust away
And in this I finally know what
I cravenly thought.

The addicting part of all is the hint.
The smile I never see
The hair that hides your eyes
The shadow that you are so fond of.

I wish in all this your honesty.
Your honesty that will pull me away and show my own.

This is a test.